How to Be Fair as a Parent Do not take sides; rather show the kids how to work out the problem. Validate your childs' feelings. Acknowledge that the aggressor may need to express some frustrations. Help your children channel their feelings into creative outlets, e.g. have a pillow fight to release hostile feelings. Give children in fantasy what they do not have in reality, e.g. "You wish your sister could go away for awhile." Beware of putting your children into roles by labelling and stereotyping, e.g. "You are the responsible one!" or "You are so stubborn!" Exercise: See whether or not any of your children is playing a role, for whatever reason, and think about how you might free that child to become his most whole self. Treat your children as individuals; do not compare. Be willing to accept the fact that your children may not like each other; so do not put them in situations that may be difficult for them. Focus on your childrens' individual needs. Give time to your children in terms of need, e.g. do not worry about it being equal time. Show your children how they are loved uniquely. Do not give attention to the aggressor. Many times the aggressor is looking for attention, by responding to the aggressor first, you are inadvertently rewarding him/her for their negative behaviour. Be careful of identifying too much with one child according to how you were raised; remember each child is unique. Focus on a child's abilities, not their disabilities. Back to Workshops & Seminars Back to Family Support Network ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Susan Lieberman is in private practice in North York as a family therapist and public speaker. For more information, Call: (416) 512-6356. or Email: susanl@familysupport.net