Techniques Parents Can Use to Develop and Maintain Positive Relationships with their Children All children want and need their parents attention. The most welcome forms of attention are: Making time for fun. Encouragement. Expressions of love. Praise. All of these foster the development of a positive relationships. 1. Taking Time To Enjoy Your Children: Plan consistent, regular time periods to have fun and enjoy your child, e.g. read a story, play a game, doing a puzzle. Tip: Find activities you both enjoy. 2. Encouragement: "A child needs encouragement like a plant needs water " by Rudolf Dreikurs. There are four ways that you as a parent can encourage your children: (a) Showing confidence by giving a child responsibility, you are expressing to them that you have confidence in them. ask your child's opinion or advice, "what kind of cake do you think we should make?" avoid the temptation to rescue when a task is difficult. give encouraging phrases when the task is difficult, "keep trying, you can do it." (b) Build on a child's strengths acknowledge what he can do well. concentrate on improvement not perfection. give positive strokes with each step. (c) Value the child separate worth from accomplishment, e.g. "Losing doesn't make a person a loser." separate worth from inappropriate behaviour, e.g. avoid bad boy comments-"No you're not bad, but it's not a good idea to colour on the walls." appreciate the child's uniqueness, "we love you not your grades." (d) Stimulate independence let the child do things for him or herself. give your child opportunities to make choices. 3. Expressing Your Unconditional Love: notes in lunches, special stickers. any note- any opportunity, e.g. "beware of danger, I don't want my beautiful boy to get hurt." all children hunger for love and need to be shown expressions of love. hugs, pats, kisses, winks, "I love you," "I adore you," "I like you," "You mean the world to me;" These expressions are what children need. everyone has different ways of showing their love-- some physical, verbal, or indirectly. doesn't matter how you show your love-- as long as it is shown somehow. 4. Praise: Praise is the most useful, positive, powerful reward you possess. (a) Tell them specifically what you like about what they are doing-- "Tommy I sure like the way you tidied up your room." (b) When you praise, stop what you are doing, be in close range, get eye contact, and if possible give him a pat or hug to increase impact. Notice the expression on your child's face. (c) Super Praise Praise your child for behaving. Praise your child in front of another adult. The other adult praises the child as a result. Imagine the impact of this method. Tip: Make it a habit to praise each child at least 3 times a day. If your child is having a particularly difficult day, find something that was done right. Don't take good behaviour for granted. Catch them being good and praise them. "It's wonderful to see you going to bed without a fuss. What a big girl you are!" "What a great sister you are- you are playing with your brother gently." Other Important Areas That Influence Relationship Building: 1. Firm but caring limits- "Discipline with love." 2. Practice good communication with your child: Take the time to really listen to your child - give your full attention. Listen for feelings and accept them whatever they are. Use problem solving to assist them with their conflicts. Back to Workshops & Seminars Back to Family Support Network ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Susan Lieberman is in private practice in North York as a family therapist and public speaker. For more information, Call: (416) 512-6356. or Email: susanl@familysupport.net