The Effects of Divorce on Children When a child's parents break up, it can be a very confusing time for him/her. To make the transition easier, it is important that parents are taught how to prepare their children for parental separation, what to expect from children (i.e. possible physical and emotional reactions) and how to protect children from parental conflict. A family experiencing separation and/or divorce enters a process that involves a vast array of feelings ranging from shock, to anger, to sadness, to guilt. These emotions are felt by all, and unless addressed, can leave lasting scars. When a couple makes the difficult decision to separate, it is imperative for them to recognize that their children's fundamental need for security, remains the same as during the time that the parents were married. Children need to feel that their parents will still provide them with emotional and physical security. In order for a child to feel secure, their parents must demonstrate that they are fully competent to cope with and get through the changes that come with divorce and separation. The younger the child, the less able they are to communicate their needs to their parents regarding separation or divorce. When pre-school children feel unloved, neglected or insecure, they tell you with their behaviour (e.g. regressing back to earlier stages such as thumb sucking, wetting the bed, afraid of the dark etc…). Older children are better able to communicate verbally, but they will also show their feelings through their behaviour (e.g. lack of interest in school, getting poor grades etc…). Adolescents may react to the divorce by cutting classes, becoming verbally abusive, using alcohol and/or drugs, defying curfew or by acting withdrawn and depressed. How Can Counselling Help? After arriving at a decision to separate, a couple must take a lot into consideration. Counselling can prove to be a helpful process that can assist the family to cope with this difficult time. Each individual is different and therefore deals with the news of separation in a unique way. As a result, families choosing to enter counselling must utilize it in a way that serves their family best. In many cases, separating couples proceed through counselling in stages. The first stage of counselling often begins before the couple breaks the news to their children. This way, the couple can first begin to deal with their own emotions which can help them to later put their children's feelings above their own. As well, a counsellor can help the couple decide the best time and way to deliver the news to their children and can educate them on what to expect from children according to their different ages and developmental stages. The second stage of counselling usually occurs after the children have been told about the separation. At this time, it is not uncommon for children to experience many different emotions that they are unable to express to their parents for fear of taking sides and/or hurting feelings. A counsellor can provide these children with an outlet to deal with their feelings in a safe and secure environment. Family Therapist Susan Lieberman gives examples of skills that parents are taught in counselling to help children cope with separation as well as some common signs that children are reacting to separation. Helping Your Child Cope Assure them that both parents love them Give them reassurance and understanding Acknowledge their dilemma and confusion Allow them to be loyal to both parents Minimize conflict in front of your children Try not to substitute children for adult companionship Children should maintain links with their extended family Share feelings and/or information with your children- children feel terribly insecure and fearful when you keep them in the dark Set up a support structure for your child. People who could be a part of your child's support network could be: the parents of your child's best friend, your child's teacher, your family doctor, family, friends, a therapist who specializes in children, a pet and most importantly, yourself! Children's Common Reactions to Separation Behaviour: Clinging to one or both parents Loss of interest in friends Attention seeking Aggression Physical symptoms i.e. stomach aches, headaches, etc… Drop in grades and/or complaints from teacher Bed wetting Depression/withdrawal Moody/silent/listless Resentment Difficulty concentrating Feelings: Emotional distress Sadness and grief Relief Anger Guilt Fears of abandonment…"What's going to happen to me?" Rejection Insecurity Confusion Frustrated…"Nothing is the same!" Worried/stressed Depressed Shock/surprise/denial/disbelief Children are often the forgotten victims in a separation/divorce. However, with the right amount of sensitivity, compassion and patience on the part of parents and others in the community, children should be able to overcome and deal with their feelings and emotions. Back to Reports & Articles Back to Family Support Network ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Susan Lieberman is in private practice in North York as a family therapist and public speaker. For more information, Call: (416) 512-6356. or Email: susanl@familysupport.net